I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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