we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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