Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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