after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
