so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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