I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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