Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
