So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize