I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Your penis caused this!
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