I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
