This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
