just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
