Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
