Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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