i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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