Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
