why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
