Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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