It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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