Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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