Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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