i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
