I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
