I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
