shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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