woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
