I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
