Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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