I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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