I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
