I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
