im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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