So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
