Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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