when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
