Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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