I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
