last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
