hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
