Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
