did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
