After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
