Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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