I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
