I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
