quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
