does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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