Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize