Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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