I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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