someone threw a dead crab at me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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