My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
