The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
