Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
