I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
