Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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