I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
