3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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