I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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