We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
