wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
