We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
