I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
