I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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