we're chasing vodka with high fives
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
